My days lately have been consumed with taking every thought captive and not letting my mind jump to the worst conclusions about Chip’s health. It is absolutely EXHAUSTING!!! I’m taking care of the kids, the house, my husband, etc…
Chip’s doing ok. He can feel pressure (whatever this thing is) in his chest. *takes a minute to take thoughts captive again!* He’s tired all the time. He wants so badly to just be well again and right now there is nothing I can do to help him. It’s killing me!!!
But as bad as the days are, the nights are even worse. Last night, I woke up sobbing. I didn’t even know I was crying until I woke up with a start. I have no idea what I was dreaming about, but anyone who knows me knows how much I do NOT like to cry. When I’m on the verge of tears and anyone other than my husband is around, I’m going to keep people at arms length. But when I wake up crying in the middle of the night, something is just terribly wrong in my life. And the worst part is there’s NOTHING I can do about the middle of the night crap. I can’t take my thoughts captive when I’m sleeping. Which leads to me not wanting to sleep, but being so tired that I can’t stay awake, which leads to a vicious cycle. *sigh*
So, here is what I’m praying. I’m praying that God would be with me as I sleep. That He would set a host of angels around me and Chip so that we can rest in Him. I’m praying fervently that God will miraculously remove this mass before we go for the biopsy so when they go to do the test they find NOTHING there. My God is ABLE!!! I’m praying that if God doesn’t see it as the best plan to remove this mass, that He will give us a peace so deep that we can feel HIS loving arms around us as we fight this fight.
Tomorrow I’ll try and post something a little more cheerful. Chip’s started updating his blog again, but it won’t be nearly as detailed as mine. But I thought y’all might like to see what he’s thinking through all of this too.